Dreiunddreissig ist jetzt mein Alter! Kommt! Sofort!

Happy Birthday to Me, I'm Thirty-Friggin'-Three.

Es ist mein Geburtstag. Ich bin dreiunddreissigjaehrig!

Heidi Klum didn't show up (as usual), so I'm honored to let uber-thespian Alan Rickman help me "celebrate" my 33rd birthday. It's not for a few weeks. But once you pass 30, you start to just brace in advance for the coming punch. I'm sure you understand... What's a few weeks, when you're facing the inevitable?

"Dreiunddreissig Das Stockwerk. Kommt. Sofort!"
Alan Rickman as the singular, classic, quintessential ultrasmooth movie villain Hans Gruber, In the original Die Hard.

Translated loosely -- and I mean loosely even by Hollywood standards -- as:
"Thirty-third floor. Come. NOW."

Yippee-ki-yay. I guess it's a fairly standard Gen-X way to appreciate your thirty-third birthday. Make no mistake, I'm not a Gen-X'er per se. Strictly an individualist, Not pigeonhole-able into a single contrived "generation". But this is cool: I'll take a clip from the best action flick of '88 instead of candles. We're gonna get all moody and lazy, and watch the original Die Hard! Three sequels and twenty years later, even Justin "Hi, I'm a Mac" Long, who's a legitimately funny and talented guy, couldn't save the latest installment (so I've heard). Therefore, I still think Rickman is the baddest. And no, I'm not telling you anything about the time my brother and I saw him chilling in a NYC Starbucks. For Paris H. Hilton's sake, already... Hackwrench.com is not a celebrity gossip site!

A few more "Hans" indulgences, if you will... Hey, it's my birthday.
Take a $5,000-suited Eurovillain, add one highly educated German accent, trickling with icy, dry wit and unflappable verbal delivery... and stir. Serves 12.

  • "I wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adroit, co-operative, not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way, so he won't be joining us... for the rest of his life."

  • "'When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.' The benefits of a classical education."

How true.

And finally, in homage to Hans:

  • "Gee, with a cool dry with like that, I could be an action movie star."

THAT was Bart and Homer Simpson. (And, naturally, Homer could NOT pull it off...)

It's my birthday. Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfuckers!

Jeremy Isaac